dear diary

very soon I will be living my life as a sissy maid 24/7 this is a goal I have always wanted to achieve but have always been to scared to explore my female side to that extent. I do not consider my self transgender but I have been crossdressing for as long as I can remember. I recall putting on costume jewlry when i was very young clipon earings plastic pearls I would pretend I was such a pretty girl though I less than 10 I still understood the wonder feeling I had breaking a taboo. My cousin used to put make up and her clothes on me and parade me around my aunts house like we were best girl friends again I was very young. I would wear my elderly aunts bathing suits and my cousins shoes and panties when they were not around. I beacame a clepto with female garments I would steal them anytime I had a chance. I had a suit case full of them, I loved the smell when opening that suit case it just reaked of a toxic mix of contraban perfume a the strong sent still lingering from their former owners. When we played power rangers or xmen I was always the girls and usally the flirty ones, we would play xmen I would be rogue, power rangers I was the pink one of course, he man I was shera so forth and so on. A time came when kids at school started smoking this was about in 6th grade I was immidetly attracted to it not because "all the cool kids were doing it" because of how attractive girls looked smoking. Not only was I attracted to it I wanted to emulate it so I would steal packs of cigarettes and dress up and smoke pretend I was someones girlfriend and he would light my cigaretts. I sometimes would smoke with my some friends while they thought they were cool feeding their addiction I was feeding a different one a lusting desire to be a girl. Being told I was wrong for this by everyone I came out to about it never made me turn away from my desires for more than a short orgasm shamed moment. I had stolen my aunts credit card numbers to call femdom phone sex when I was about 12 or 13 I would call and listin to the recording and pound my clit. Until my parents found out due to her latest CC bill they went rooting through my stuff looking for the credit card info but instead the found my suitcase filled with my closted same. A kinds ransom in stoled female clothes cigarettes and diapers and of course the credit card number. Furious after confronting me they made me throw the suit case away never to be seen again. When I got older I had confessed my love of dressing to many girl friends and I have such a way about me that they were happy to indulge. I had so often had fantasies of being with men and had probed my pussy more times than I can count but I had never been with a man until I had met a dominate couple off collar me. They were excited to meet told me to pack a bag and they would come get me for the weekend this would also be my first experice serving femme by this point I had gathered quite a wordrobe but no wig or breast forms I would just stuff with tissue paper like an  eager preteen. and try to manage my hair in the most fem way possible with bows and such and I was horrible at doing make up but I managed. Over the weekend they had me dress in tons of diffrent clothes while serving them then on sat night we played for hours she fucked me with a strap on they beat me I ate thier live in slaves pussy until she came. Then when it was time for bed my head was forced on the mans cock. But you can barley call it forced with out reservation i sucked him dry while he made out with his wife. Then finally the first taste of cum that was not my own! I was addicted it felt amazing to had his cock in my mouth after that weekend they gave me a bunch of clothes hand me downs from their oldest daughter and I saved up and bought a wig. It was black and cheap but it made me feel 10x more feminine because I really wanted to attracted more men. I hooked up with severl men since my first time but none had fucked my pussy and I was so ready to be fucked but I guess i suck cock well because they all would come in a very short time then would have nothing left. One time I went to a guys hotel my first time being in drag in public but I was pretty passable due to my size a second or third look might have given me away but I didnt care to much. I marched up to the elevator with my purse filled with cigarettes condoms and lube and a small blue dildo. I arrived and his room excited for my treat he opened the door I closed it behind me with out talking fell to my knees put his cock in my heavily lipstick clad mouth and with in 60 seconds I felt his load go down my throught I swalloed with dissipointment as I looked up he was pulling out and he sat on the bed making claims that he could get hard again and wanted to fuck. So i got on top of him and tried to force a limp cock that was smaller than my clit into my pussy after what seemed like forever of trying diffrent postions me trying to suck him hard nothing ever worked so I left and made the walk of shame back toward the lobby stopping off at the bath room to stick the dildo in my ass then making the rest of the walk. Finally a man spared no time i sucked him for about 2 seconds until his cock was hard then he bent me over spit on my ass and forced him self inside. Now I have had so manythings in my pussy champagne bottles tampons dildos more than I can remeber and it never hurt or if it did it was a good pain but this hurt because it was not a force at which i could not contol. But after about 5 mins of the old in out in out it felt amazing it was so degrading taking his cock the way he used me like a girl and treated me like a girl until the moment he left with that satisfied look on his face I was in heaven. For the first time I realized that I might be gay i have been with many women and never felt anything like that. But i was never really attracted to men just cock and I had never been with a man dressed as a boy always female. I just always liked it better that way because I wanted to emulate girls they have always been sexy to me. That is why I have always chosen to be owned by them because they are powerful men will do anything for a girl. That is why I realized I am not transgender I am a sissy I have no right to be a girl I am to lowley for that I am there simply for the amusement of superiors. As they strip away my man hood I eagerly hand it over but it was always short lived either because I choose to end it for some reason of she does. Then back to boy clothes I go but now I am lucky enough to have an owner who wishes to truly train me as a sissy servant. Train me to be more femme and keep me that way make sure I stay a freak and accept who I am ..her property. So starting very soon I will live everyday as ashlynn the faggot sissy maid to Mistress Carrie. I have my own sissy maid room in the attic where a slave belongs I want to paint it pink and make it as homely as possible I want to put an ac in it so that at times I will be lucky enough to be chained up there or maybe locked in a pink cage. It is a small room but its my maid quaters and I love it, I would like to fill it with cleaning supplies and the vacum and mop. Surrounded by shevs of cleaning supplies when I am in there should do alot to keep me in my place. Mistress also is making sure that I always have long nails this ensures that I feel ultra femme and I must admit I am addicted to them I feel naked with out them adorning my fingers. I love feeling then as I touch or pick something up I love looking at them as they grasp my cigarette. Mistress also has me taking diet pills which are amazing I went from being a compulsive eater to never being hungry and haveing to force my self to eat some yogurt. This will hep me get rid of my gut that really holds me back from being a proper sissy. I would also love to do corset training every day to achieve a better figure. My wordrobe will only grow espically in the iniform department and I couldnt be more excited. We both feel I am more subserviant and proud when female and since all girls need a diary its time to update this one more often. Mistress is working hard to lay a good foundation to start this chapter of our lives and so am I.