beef

I have been in quite a submissive rut the past month or so I am not exactally sure why. I have tried to serve Mistress to the best of my ability but I really didnt get the enoyment out of it I used to. I am not sure why this is either I have tried hard to get back to the place I was before where nothing mattered but her but I just cant do it. It used to be the most amazing feeling serving her I couldnt imagine a better feeling we bonded so much when we played and when I served her. My head constantly bowed to the floor my eyes on her feet or her cigarette should I have been lucky enough to catch a glimpse. But now I feel as though I am in limbo my sister leaving the nomadic lifestyle lack of rules and structure all contributed to this I imagine. Also my owners submissive and needy side is really showing through which effects how much I can get away with and I often test the waters. Mistress says that if she punishes me she is giving in but then what is the point of punishments even existing? It really helps keep rules in place because the rules are also there for a reason. Like at school for example you break a rule you get detention or what ever same concept applies here breaking a rule should require action. Now on to my contestant disrespectful behavior..I am disrespectful to my Mistress alot of the time this never would have happened in the past. I was fully respectful of my owner at all times now there was jokeing but I knew my place and am begining to forget it at times recently. Again this disrespect has no recuperation being a slave is alot like being a kid you have no right to disrespect anyone espically you parents because you are a direct reflection of how they raise you. You disprespect someone you get punished again helps keep you on the right track. Another way to solve this problem is to live in a higher protcol atmosphere. Instead of just being on the floor spend most the time on the floor in a slave position. Instead of just standing stand with good posture head bowed hands behind your back a posture collar helps with posture a great deal since it forces the wearie into an upright position. A set protocol is very good to have to maintain respect because of how proper it looks for you slave to be constantly at attention. Like in the army there is a certin way to do everything and it works so well they soliders respect eachother and respect the higherarchy in the military. It also feels amazing knowing someone cares about you and them selves enough to instill such a protcol. Examples of such things are when walking walk with your head down and arms behind your back unless carrying something, curtsying when leaving and entering a room, a certin way of opening the door and greeting guests in Mistress's home, being in nadu or some other slave position with on the floor the postion of course to suit the situation such as instead of just kneeling being in nadu when idle, or slaves kiss when waiting for Mistress to arrive from somewhere even if its just going out side for a moment because you never know when she will want access to your body, instead of lazily relaxing while Mistress is showing you something on the computer kneel with your hands behind your back. The only realxation of this protcol would be at Mistress's discression and reserved for like kneeling next to her wathcing a movie or something special. Also I can imagine the problem with my attitude being lack of chastity the male orgasam is an aweful aweful thing. Men are driven by their cocks thats all they think about sissy slaves should not care about their clits what so ever they are on this earth to serve and its hard to keep that in mind sometimes. However I feel as if I am doing quite well concidering i do not have my cage on. There are all things that have been going thogh my head as of late. The strict control is alot of work infact its a ton of work on both parties and I understand that though some things are worth it in the end eventually things become rotuine. But alas I should not focas on my needs but rather those of my Mistress these are mearly feelings, ideas and observations.

Maggi

It was such an amazing experience to serve along side you, I felt very lucky to be a part of your life. I truly believe we connected in an amazing way. We looked amazing serving Mistress Carrie together the way she deserves. I have always said in the past my owner deserves another slave someone to suit her needs as well as my own. The needs I had were very simple I just wanted to help you along your journey so that someone could relate to that amazing feeling I have from my slavery to her. I hold the conversations that we had very dear to my heart. You have a great heart and I think you are a very strong beautiful person despite the low opinion of yourself there are many people who love and care about you. I miss having you in my life in the worst way. I felt so proud kneeling next to you at events and looking to my left to see you walking on your leash with your hands behind your back radiating such a glow of happiness from someone so down all the time. The energy felt when Mistress Carrie played with both of us was beautiful it was those times that made me remember why I wanted to be a slave. I am sorry we didnt get along at times but your emotions are out of control I am aware this cannot be helped. I feel bad that I was so impatient with your disorder but we all have our own way of doing things I am sorry ours was not the same. Never have I seen someone so happy to be of service, you were so very protective of Mistress Carrie that I felt comfortable knowing you could take care of her if I could not and that ment the world to me. As I figured from the beginning your emotions got the best of you and you could no longer handle being a servant. I was far to emotionally invested in you as my sister but i think I wouldnt have had it any other way. The bond shared between slave is uncanny so very strong and I just took a deep breath and let it all in that could have been a mistake but im really not sure. I still feel betrayed by your actions. Very hurt. I was always cautious because of the love you had for andrew seemed to be far greater than the love you had for Mistress Carrie. It showed very clear, from the moment you tried to top me I could tell you were acting and that it really wasnt you it seemed so very forced and unnatural. But when you were serving  you seemed so at peace and real. I spent alot of time sticking up for you to both my Mistress and friends in the community so I feel very stupid when I was proven wrong. I am going on the basis that you could not control your actions that the emotional wall you put up cannot be broken down by anyone. The love I felt for you and even your children was very powerful I put myself out there only to have my heart broken. I took this far harder than my Mistress i guess its because I spent so much time with you and we were on the same level you just seemed to fit in so well. I am sorry beyond words to see you leave this family.

collars

I had something really good to write but i have no idea what it was I completely forgot that really sucks, I guess I can take some time to talk about collars and what they mean . Once upon a time there was a boy who was always in a collar for play for everyday life for anything he had always just assumed that collars where just something worn not something earned. Then a girl came into this boys life and changed all about what he thought. Because the boy loved being on a leash and love to feel that closeness and connection with his owner but with out a collar that was not possible. The girl had a very beautiful collar that she had taunted the boy with the hopes of one day wearing. So the boy worked very hard to wear the collar and did everything he could to learn of its importance. Until one day the collar was place around his eager neck and the boy was to touched and overwhled with joy the he wheped in the arms of that girl for quite some time. This boy then learned a very important lesson that a collar is a symbol of commitment and ownership. Not just something what you wear just to wear.

cold

I am trying to write but the baby is crying and its drving me insane i surely remember why I do not want kids they are noisy and crazy. It is as if there is nothing you can do to please its crazy stressful just having them. I cant imagine owning 2 slaves that must be insane. All my life I have wanted siblings but they distract from my serving sometimes and I find that i much rather be left alone to my own devices. Espically with my sister because she like a real sister gets on my nerves from time to time but I do lover her wish makes me wonder if I am investing to much time and energy and emotion into what could be a let down. She is hard to work with like she has a certain way things need to be done ...Her way but that isnt to say her way as in she will explain how she wants it done it just means her way as in she has to do it if anyone else does it she will go crazy. Her emotions seems very false at time other then when she shows anger or sadness there is no actual emotion that I am aware of it is a very tough skin to crack. I wish there was a way to get through that skin and show her that it is ok to show how she feels or maybe she feels nothing at all other than just the control she desires from Mistress. Also her kids sometimes drive me insane but that is just kids in general. I feel like I have been a private person my whole life so has my owner and kids invade the privacy constantly. I am hiding in a dark whole away from every one so that I can attempt to write my journal in peace and yet still the children have managed to find me and the babies screams have managed to reach me. I wish that my sister was treated more like a slave and less like an equal at times it just seems unfair but this is all new anyway...also she says she hates the cold and it is freezing in her house all of the time.

punishment

Punishment is one of the most important things for a slave, it means more than just correcting a mistake. It means that your owner took the time to make sure you learn from that mistake. A firm hand guiding you take you so far and the care if take to correct someones behavior is such a primal urge there is no reason not to give into it. A punishment means that you may have messed up but there will be a tomorrow and that you can try harder to please your owner. I feel amazing after a punishment I feel as if all the planets are aligned and everything is right with the world. Punishments come in all shapes and sizes so to speak they can range from a firm handed spanking to writing lines. But one of the worst things you can do for a slave is suspended the very thing that keeps them going in day to day life...their slavery. Because with out the right to be a slave they are just nothing just a normal person feeling empty and in limbo wondering weather or not the privilege of being a slave will ever be reinstated. For some a punishment is a test of strength and devotion, some people crack under this pressure and find that slavery is not infact for them. But one who is truly devoted to its owner will punish them selves far worse than their owner could ever do. I know for me there has been more than once I have felt so bad about disappointing my owner that it has brought me to tears. Also I have witnessed my sister go through the same thing during her first time disappointing her owner. We are all human and even owners make mistakes but what is most important is learning and evolving from them.

making changes

Some time things always happen for a reason and a wonderful subbie girl just fell into Mistress Carries lap and I feel such a close connection with her as does my owner. Though she is emotional unstable right now my hope is that she will be guided through this time and everything will turn out for the best. Sometimes making choices can be hard so can making changes epically those that effect other people. She is someone who love to have so much control over everything in her life. She wont even allow me to do her dishes because they have to be completed a certain way which is a reason her house may have been such a wreak. I tend to find that rituals like that become heavy and may seem like alot of work because they must be done perfect each time. She feels as I one did and still do that she had just woken up a slave and had been serving Mistress Carrie forever and I describe how I had felt the same way like being hit by a train and then her love and power flowing through you as if it had alway been there. She seems like such a perfect fit we all get along great she is very respectful and aware of her place. She has assets that make a good slave that you cannot teach someone with Mistress's guidance she could be an amazing person and an amazing servant. 

wiener dog

as I speak to Miss Maggi about her submission to my owner I realize I have went through the same things that she is and in about the same amount of time. I recall being conflicted and I always looked to my Mistress for guidance, she always knows the right thing to say the right words and actions to use to make sure you do what is best for you and what is best for her. There are so many different sides to her but one that is always there is she is an amazing Domme. I never really thought about what makes her so good until recently, after seeing Miss Maggis reactions to my owner I thought about what Mistress Carrie does and how she does it. Because Maggi said that she has never been owned before because no one could ever control her and force her to do stuff because she wouldnt let them. But the thing is Mistress never forces anything she just calmly tells you what is happening and somehow you accept it. It never seems forced or like an act and after serving Ms Maggi and that is all she seems to do she will try to bark our orders or insult and will stumble over her own words. Everything just seems like an act then it clicked and I realized that with Mistress Carrie every thing she does seems so natural it has a way of comforting you. For that I am thankful makes me feel so lucky to be hers.