Sometimes...

Sometimes I just feel like writeing because something sparks me through the day and this is my only outlet. I am one of those people who can do anything I put my mind to. Since I was very young the one constant in my life was that I wanted to serve a dominate. I am also one of the lucky few to realize this early enough to devote alot of my time seeking it. Alot of time experiencing different things and developing a taste for things for things I enjoy and for those I do not care for. Also time was spent doing the best thing of all, being comfortable with who I am and my place in life. Despite people telling me things I enjoyed was bizarre or different no one ever told me what I was seeking was wrong. Not even my parents ever said it was wrong for me to desire the firm hand of a dom female. I have spent to many years feeling out of place when people talk about things that are strange while I think to my self the guy sitting next to you has been locked in a toilet chair and shit on many times and more than one of the boys in this room have responded to my transsexual craigslist ad not realize it was me on a lonely night  trolling for cock.
Up until when Mistress Carrie collard me, collars didnt have the same meaning. I knew that it was a symbol of my devotion and I always wore my collar proudly. However it never felt earned it just felt like I wore it because I wanted to and they could care less as they didnt understand its meaning either. The collar I wear around my neck now is so important and means so much though it may have come fast it is so important to me and I desired her collar so bad. When she put it around my neck I cried with joy because I knew it would be the last time in my entire life I saw my body with out it on. So i wonder how many people take such a thing lightly, do they not understand the meaning. To me my collar means I have been chosen to devote my life serving my owner being with her through thick and thin, always trusting her to take care of me and I of her. It means that I will take pride in following the rules she has set for me and knowing that my service makes her happy, knowing that my suffering brings a smile to her face because I do it for her. I means that I show with pride that I am owned property even to those who do not understand the concept. It means that though my life I will be what she wants me to be no matter what that may be it means she truly owns me.
BDSM collar leashes all these things have always been trendy in the goth and punk communities in fact I can credit punk rock for allowing me to come out of my shell as a submissive though the thoughts have been hidden away my entire life. When in the punk scene I felt very comfortable acting on this instinct , I fond that I had such a passion for it. That it was on my mind all of the time, yet at this age and at this development as a slave I see people trending into the lifestyle and I feel as if I am an elitist because I have far transcended the time of fetishes being a sexual thrill and embraced them as a part of my everyday life and I am with the only women I have ever met who can do the same.

I am shit

I am craving being treated like shit, nothing makes me more happy it is what I alway have deserved it is what I crave. I hope my Mistress can comply, even though we tried yesterday something just felt off weather it be the ever present friend or the fact Miss Carrie was tired from days of lack of sleep. What ever it was it just didnt feel right for either of us I took several stokes of her cane all over my body pretending as if I didnt know what number I was suppose to count just so she could hit me harder and harder until she wanted to stop not the other way around. She was calling me names and truly making me feel my place at her feet but when it was done and I was kneeling before her adoring her perfect feet it still just didnt feel right. So again I try today to serve her will all of my being and treat her as she deserves and I will try every day until I can try no more because that is what my owner deserves....true devotion.

Back in Chastity

Things are still hard for me I am so bored I have to invent ways to amuse myself. Not much has changed so really not much to type here. I got let out of chastity on sunday and have cum 5 times since, something I am very ashamed of but I just have no way to control it, just get bored and play with my clit. Its a shame because I pride myself on being the best slave for my owner but we are just not ment to live a vanilla life and being forced into one is very hard. Though we sneak some things in every now in that like yesterday my ashtray was filled with 8 cigarette butts maybe the most Miss Carrie has ever put out in me. But shortly after is i back to reality as we cannot do these things in our current living situation. Nor can we really continue my training I hate to let her down but I have trouble staying strong, she is much stronger than me which is one of the many reasons I worship her so much.

Normal aint so normal

Its strange that I feel so right sitting in and useing a diaper then anything else, it just feels normal to my sick twisted mind. It is who I am and anything outside of that feels very weird an wrong, so much of my service to Mistress is just being myself. Take that away and I have no idea how to live, vanilla life seems very bizarre most of the day yesterday I felt awkward Mistress was very upset that we can spend time doing the things that bond us and allow us to live our relationship in a way that feels right for us, due to our current living situation these things are very hard. When my diaper went on and both Miss Carrie and I were in little mode we watched cartoons and we just had playful child banter it made me feel so comfortable. I adore moments like this and currently I cherish any moments of our normal life I can steal.

This saturday was a much needed break for us as I feel like one of those people who "live the lifestyle when they can" we hadnt played for a week and at the play party Mistress made sure I knew my place I spent hours worshipping both her boots and the boots and feet of where ever my head was directed. With a very full ashtray I did my best to please everyone while I was beaten and humiliated I was so spaced out that I dont even remember most of it. Think of it like not cumming after a long time and thats the feeling I had, wich in some ways is great but mostly sucks because I am a slave and I need to be able to live as one, the same way Miss Carrie is a Mistress and needs to live as one or things just do not feel right.

Knowing that I am sitting here in my diaper and cuddleing my bear and blanket sucking my paci, as I type this, know is a few short hours I have to get rid of this side of me is so hard to bare. I do not know how people can do it. How do you just turn it on and off like that and why would you want to, people should be educated about things like this and about different lifestyles in general. So its ok for kids to see their parents do drugs, drink, curse, lie, cheat and steal in front of them? But heaven forbid that they see a devoted man truly test his love for the woman he worships and adore in the most primal mode possible. Its wrong just because they dont understand. Someones child complemented me on my collar not realizing what it represented and when I told them they said "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"
This greatly offended me because my collar is very important to me and there is nothing nasty or gross that goes on with it. When I tried to explain this to her she had no intentions of listening, vanilla people have such double standards. I cant serve my Mistress who owns me trains me loves me. But people we live with can webcam with their part time play partner right in front of their child!? Things like this never will make sense to me how is this ok ? But its not ok for my owner to correct my behavior? We used to jsut live this life so casually it came so natural Mistress would relax with a cigarette while I waited for her to fill my ashtray ..these things were once everyday life now they are few and far between. I miss you Mistress Carrie.

I heart dog cock

I had been so impressed with my self last night that I was able to take such a hugh black cock my my sissy pussy that I was that much more determined to continue my anal training today. I started my routine by lubeing up and putting in the second largest anal dilator per the usual. slid my sore cunt on it it was painful because I had such a well used cunt. But something just didnt feel right it felt to small so I put the larger one in as it entered my hole it was met with some resistance and a small amount of pain but nothing to major. After a few strokes it slid in with ease and it just felt so right. After a couple hours I decided it was time to fuck it for a bit and I wanted the dog cock toy so bad because I am Mistress Carries dog whore. The flat tip of the dog cock was a bit awkward at first but with in a couple seconds it slid in with ease. then over the soft knot then then entire long dog cock was in my pussy. It felt amazing I fucked my pussy with the cock for about 15 mins in and out slow and fast. Then I pulled it out and cleaned the shit off it like a good faggot. At this time I decided it was time to take the knot so I shoved the dog cock back in my pussy and pumped the knot until I couldnt take it any more I got 22 pumps before my insides were aching. After a few mins I let the air out and also let out a sigh of relief. That how ever was short lived as I pumped it 17 times and fucked my self like that for another 10 mins or so until I pulled the fully pumped knot all the way out and shoved it all the way back in. The entire time I was thinking about my Mistress and wishing it was a real dog cock in me. This is a fetish I have adopted from my Mistress and I adore it just as much as she does. Last night she masturbated while she jacked off our basset hound and we talked about the first thing I eat out of my new dog bowl being her shit. It was amazing she is so sexy when she plays with dog it makes me very excited. The thought of adoring her mess truly excites me aswell I cant wait, it is very hard to eat shit. I can never eat more than a small amount with out getitng sick but I am going to show my Mistress how devoted I am and eat her entire meal with out a problem every drop over her load will be consumed.

I have been thinking alot lately that I am often disrespectful to my owner and I never seem to get any sort of correction. It is getting so bad that I have been doing it in front of people with out even thinking, this is not the sort of slave I want to be. I disobey rules and often am a generally bad slave and receive not sort of punishment. I do not want to get in the habbit of doing this I want to constantly impress people with how well trained I am. But sometimes I feel that I am not being trained well I dont want this to continue I desire strict correction and punishment. Not even the smallest offence should go with out swift correction this is one of the important things that mold a good slave and build respect for its owner.

She does so much

Today my day started as I awoke i got in the shower, then I put our second biggest anal dilator in my sissy pussy, after that was in for about an hour I decided I wanted a challenge. So I got the biggest one we had and slid it in my cunt with little to no effort. As I licked the shit off of the other one I thought of how proud my owner would be of me and how I knew she want my pussy stretched so that she could have her way with it. I sit here in a hotel room lobby still with the huge toy filling my ass. Mistress is six floors away showing just what an amazing Domina she is. I always felt that nothing builds self confidence like someone paying to be in your presence, such a power feeling it must be to count someones money while the shiver with excitement for what they are about to receive. I truly believe that I have the best Mistress possible no one I have ever met even compares and it makes me beyond happy that others will get to experience that aswell. I always thought that a Domme deserves all the attention she can handle, it is important for a Domina to have a big head so to speak. It gives them a swagger that makes us as submissives melt, it makes us putty in their hands. Rightfully so they deserved to be worshiped and none more than my perfect owner. Mistress always surprises me she is one of those rare people that can do anything she puts her mind to and is the only person that has as much passion for this lifestyle as I do. Up in a hotel room with a quite attractive young boy, full of confidence, knowing she is in charge, knowing how superior she is to him and to every one that is what truly makes a Goddess. I spend so much of my time wondering how I got so lucky to have the opportunity to spend my entire life serving her. I still connot figure it out, she could have anyone she wanted. Her pick of any one many of which I am sure are better than me, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it because its something I just cannot explain. Generally I am not a very lucky person nor the best looking not the best behaved and certainly not the wealthiest. I came into this relationship and Mistress changed alot for me, she changed the brand of cigarettes she smoked, she made sure I stayed in diapers, she supports me financially, she uses me as an ashtray, she treats me like shit. These are all things she did not think she would be able to do and yet she does all of this flawlessly. I mean just as I type this my mouth is full of her marlboro menthol light 100s cigarette butts and since moving I havent been able to be an ashtray often so I feel like I have to savor them I feel like i never want them to come out of my mouth I love the feeling of running my tongue across her dis guarded  trash. Holding them between my teeth making sure to protect them from the dangers of my mouth so they stay fully intact so I can adore them properly. Thinking of all that Mistress does for me I feel as if I let my fear and nerves get in the the way of things my owner wants to do. She has adopted so many of the things I like and all i truly care about is making me happy. Mistress Carrie I would just like to say I dont care about my fears anymore I want to open myself up to do anything you want to do to me. I have let my mind get in the way of true submission for so long but I am at my happiest then you have that wicked laugh and smile as you are torchering your property. I am yours and I love to show my devotion in way I can I hope that I can surprise you and make you as proud and as happy to own me as I am proud and happy to be owned by you.

Hectic Day Calm Mind

After a hectic one day I feel more relief than anything I feel like my Mistress and I have a bond that is so strong it cannot be broken by anyone. A true fantasy, fairy tale love it truly instills that fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. No matter where I am the thing that matters move is the collar around my neck letting me know she is with me and I am hers. Though our every day life may have a delay I still feel the strongest submission I can and I know soon we will be able to live the lives we were ment to. Mistress I love you very much, I would do anything for you no matter what, I am nothing with out you so many little things you do make me so happy and only strengthens my devotion to you. You mean more to me than anything in the world I am nothing with out you. Never have I had the opportunity to be with someone so truley beautiful in every way....thank you for making me so lucky my Goddess, I worship you.