Hectic Day Calm Mind

After a hectic one day I feel more relief than anything I feel like my Mistress and I have a bond that is so strong it cannot be broken by anyone. A true fantasy, fairy tale love it truly instills that fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. No matter where I am the thing that matters move is the collar around my neck letting me know she is with me and I am hers. Though our every day life may have a delay I still feel the strongest submission I can and I know soon we will be able to live the lives we were ment to. Mistress I love you very much, I would do anything for you no matter what, I am nothing with out you so many little things you do make me so happy and only strengthens my devotion to you. You mean more to me than anything in the world I am nothing with out you. Never have I had the opportunity to be with someone so truley beautiful in every way....thank you for making me so lucky my Goddess, I worship you.

Hurry up name change!

I wish fetlife would hurry up with my name change I adore my name and since Mistress has names me ashe I has steadily been on my mind how much it means to me. Not many things are more meaningful than a slave name for a slave, it truly strips you of what ever shred of former life you had left and makes you hers. She even calls me ashe and introduces me as it to people we are just meeting. Both of these things I love I get so much satisfaction from hearing my slave name come out of her lips! I love slave positions no matter how uncomfortable something about the protocol just makes me feel that much more like a slave. I can kneel in them for as long as possible no matter what pain I feel I feel that times ten in devotion for my Goddess. I love to take any opportunity I can to show my devotion to her to show how near and dear she is. I like to surprise her with the ways I show this devotion things that not every one can or would do for her. It means alot to be owned by her and I always feel the need to show her my appreciation, I know she will always be there for me and I for her. While we are talking about things we love ....I love my hood, I love the feeling of it tightly secured around my head even if I can see it still put me in a place all my own. But if the blind fold it is on it puts me into a place of fear and unknowing but this is also a good thing. If that gag is in it really sends me away there is no way for me to do anything but have muffled screams or complete silence. Nothing but black is all you see no matter the time of day. it is something that truly makes you feel like an object.  Mistress put my hood on last night and I instantly felt a calm come through my body one I have not felt in a few days. I felt limp and tingly all I did was listen for my owners direction all i cared about was the sound of her voice  and how I could follow her instructions to please her. As she laid me down for sleep chaining my collar to the wall she said "give me more of this and I will give you more of what you want" of course meaning being treated like shit something that Mistress has trouble doing because of the natural sweetness and love we have for each other but one thing she didnt count on was that when I am kneeling before her as her slave. I have what I want .....nothing.

Different World

I feel like im in a different world as if I have been ripped from the numbness of my fantasy life and shoved back into the reality of my pathetic life. I feel paranoid and ashamed but I dont really have reasons why, I feel stressed I feel the weight of the world for no apparent reason. Yesterday I felt all of these feelings, every thing felt weird Mistress didnt try to snap me into submission by being mean and forceing me back into my place witch was weird. I was secretly looking forward to it, Its so calming to have my rights stripped away. The way he i just so commanding and forceful it makes me melt. But it didnt happen and for the first time in a very long time I had freedom, it was really weird to be able to do what I wanted. Mistress hasnt felt well in days and has me very worried this also makes it very hard to submit, my mind is just constantally moving. I cant imagine what she must be going through and the added stress of her roomates, every thing is just a huge hassle. I feel more awkward being vanilla than I do being a slave but around these people I feel like I have to be someone I am not. I just dont know what to do I dont really want to be here but I am scared if I go back home I will never see my Mistress again. I wish she would cuckold me I feel bad that she doesnt get cock or anything and she doesnt seem to care i suppose but i really just want her to be happy. I feel like we are growing apart and I hate it. I have never loved someone so much but I feel unstable right now like I never know whats going on and I hate that feeling. It seems like everything is changing I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I want to go home, at least there I know life sucks.

Writers Block

I  am suppose to write a blog today but im not really sure what to write about. Also not sure what that is a sign of. I have had this open for hours just sitting ..maybe im bored or tired ...maybe writers block? Hmmm, I like trolling collar me...thats an old hobby come to life again. Why does ups always come so late ...they are worse or as bad as fedex. My butt hurts I wish this brand would heal ..but its not showing any signs of stopping in the near future. I am lazy as of late I am lax on my chores I generally dont do them until the last minute and today I really dont have any every thing is clean for the most part. Mistress and I are suppose to work on making our interaction more strict though it was my suggestion, I am not sure about it. I doubt we can both stay serious long enough to do it we both goof alot and I dont like to fail lol. Though I know I live with my Mistress now I really dont feel at home, its a new state a new place I really dont have anyone besides her and her friends. Her roomates seem to have a growing resentment and general assholeish demeanor towards me and towards us, but in a very passive aggressive fashion and its things like this that really kind of make me feel uncomfortable and shut down. So i feel like im in limbo and im not sure what to ...Mistress usually puts my mind at ease when she is mean and verbally degrading and humiliating to me but those times are few and far between. I understand that we are in love and lord knows I could never do these things to her so I know its hard for her to do these things to me. Also i have really been craving boys ...Since Mistress and I only have sex useing her strap on it just makes me think how much I miss the freedom of just being able to get cock before I was owned. But there are things like this you give up when you find someone as amazing as I have. Mistress once told me that living here these people were my new family ..but I sure dont feel that was I feel outcasted and ostracized, I feel as if its an us type of them deal. Like they think we are the enemy...not like a family at all ...a family is accepting and supportive. They grow and bond together , they laugh and have fun together ...not this constant awkward feeling I have. I suppose I shouldnt expect to have a real family since I never have or maybe my idea of what a family is, is way off base who knows?

Don't Deprive yourself

I spoke to a friend today (who will not be named) about what about being submissive he didnt like. Mind you this person considers himself a dom. But in his everyday life his girl controls him so much she has trained him to break certain habits that she disapproves of. Because he loves her he is willing to comply to everything she asks and to the untrained eye he would seem like a slave. So I had wondered to myself is he really and just doesnt want to admit it? Because I know the amazing feeling I get from being owned and I would hate to someone to miss out on that sensation just because they are living in denial. So I asked him I said, "your really 90% submissive anyway whats the other 10% gonna hurt" He said that he had been emotionally and physically traumatized but past girls. That he was scared because he didnt want to loose the girl he had. That he didnt like pain and it even made him feel uncomfortable when his girl raised her voice at him. (which she does often) In his mind he is the Dom he explained that he feels like he should make the rules and he should be the bread winner and he should have the control. Because to him being a submissive makes you less of a man. I then explained to him that I am in fact one of the strongest people I know I am generally an alpha male in everything I do I have used countless women with out caring about them. I usually have to be the best at everything I do. But I know where I belong and do you know why i know that? Because I tried it and you will never know what you truly enjoy until you try it and believe me trying what ever you can to save a relationship you truly care about is worth what ever it takes, I explained.  He said he was still scared and it was so hard for him to let go of these grandiose thoughts and dreams he has all to be altered just to save the one he loves from leaving. I told him its ok to be scared its natural to fear the unknown, I explained to him the power of my submission is so great that when I am at my owners feet I fear nothing because I am nothing I am only a small part of something much greater than anything, a bond stronger than anything, a love, a passion even to great for me to understand and if that is something that he wants to feel there is nothing wrong with trying. Will he do it I doubt it but it was sure worth a try...

What is Natural?

The poor treatment of humans is something that as people we naturally do not care for, but for me as a person, as a slave is something I have a great deal of passion for. The worse I am treat by my owner the better I feel, it is almost as if being treated like shit is a way I feel affections in fact its my favorite way to feel it. When I am called a name or belittled in some way it just makes me melt, it truly makes me feel my place in a greater way than anything else I know. I have often wondered why I am like that because it is even harsh by slave standards and I have really never had a Mistress that can fulfill this to completion. I really dont have an answer, its just something inside of me a force pulling me that wants me to feel like shit because for a reason I cant explain it makes me to comfortable.  I would see people with really bitchy wives who would point out ever little thing they did wrong and yell at them for it on a daily basis, showing no sympathy for anything they had worked for. It was something that made me so envious I had always wanted that forceful control but to even a much greater extreme. This is something that I suppose can be traced back to my grandparents, my grandma is the most controlling person I have ever known. My grandpa does everything hes the breadwinner he cooks cleans mows, does it all and none of it he can do right. She snaps at him constantly always sure to point out his flaws and put him in his place. Its not just with him either she needs to control every one around her even me. When I was young I remember I wanted to be a pro wrestler and she was sure to tell me that it would never happen and I was being stupid for thinking it would. Which of course was true but its not something you generally tell an 8 year old. As a kid I hated being called names it was something that I would get in fights over it just had bugged me so much. Ironic now that I embrace it and can never get enough of my owner telling me im a dumbass or im retarded referring to my penis as a clit so forth and so on. The worse it gets the better it gets for me ..what an amazing feeling!

Telegram

Its few and far between you receive a good old fashioned hand written letter, when you do it feels so special you know that person really put they're heart into it. We are in an age when things like that just no longer have a place. The letter I revived from my Mistress ment the world to me, it filled my heart with such great joy the same way she does. Still even today it brightens my day I wish every one could feel this wonderful feeling I have, it is a   feeling of such pride, a feeling that everything will always be ok, a feeling that there is so much greater in this world than petty problems, a feeling a beauty and appreciation for everything around me. As I read this letter and held back my tears all these thoughts flowed through me like rain it was as if she was the only thing in the world like a bright light at the end of a dark passage, only the light never ends it just keeps going for the rest of your life.

serving ones own passions is the great slavery

It hard to imagine being as happy as I am, when shes around all i do is think about whats coming next as I take a deep breath i fall deeper into submission. There is nothing like the feeling of not knowing and having no control. She is always there I have no privacy no secrets no anything it is all hers. It sounds harsh but this is the most comforting feeling I have ever known. Its for this reason when she is not around I feel lost, I am like a lonley puppy just waiting never knowing how much time has passed. Though she has complete control when away I still feel that since of need to be at her feet because that is when I feel I am at my best.

Good to talk

More than ever I value the conversations I share with my Mistress they are alway so deep and meaningful, I always learn something new about myself and her. It is so hard to find someone you can really talk and relate to in this life, some that you really want to hear rather than just waiting for your time to talk. Something she said that really stood out is that when you are a true slave you give up alot ...you are no longer the same person you were before. The person you were before you become owned no longer exists nor matters because you like act and become what ever your owner wants you to be. That really rang true with me my life has been altered so much with this journey that I am taking as her full time slave I live breath eat sleep dream all for her. I am so lucky to do so, its far to often that people make the mistake of waiting to long to realize their potential but under her guidance and direction I know that I am on the way there.

the sky was painted hues of pink and orange

Despite being in extreme amounts of pain all that I care about is serving my owner. I enjoy the pain and suffering i have to endure for here even if she didnt inflict it. It takes alot for a slave to realize that thinking is not an option only doing is. It is our human nature to think a thing we have been doing since we were born. Breaking this habbit and letting go and realizing that this is real not a game. Realizing that you are an object that is it the only thing that matters to slave is its owner. These things are hard to grasp and yet seem so simple, but there is no better feeling than that moment that you just let go and know that there is someone there to catch you . I fully trust my owner with mind body and everything I am have. I am here for her amusement I am here to serve her.

Rules 1.1

just thought I would update this with the latest rules that I live by every day I will update this as more come..

Morning

·         After your alarm goes off, wake your Mistress up.

·         Let out the dogs then fix your Mistress something to drink and kneel by the bed and offer it to her.

·         Fetch Mistress’s cigarettes and light one for her as you kneel next to the bed.

·         When she has finished smoking, let the dogs back in.

·         While your Mistress is in the bathroom, fetch her clothes and shoes and lay them on the bed for her and then kneel.

·         When your Mistress is ready, she will have you dress her and brush her hair.

·         Start up the car for her and scrape any ice off the windows if necessary.

·         When you come back she will change your diaper and lock you in it for the day.

·         You will put your Mistress’s shoes on her and then fetch her purse and coat.

During the Day

·         Make the bed.

·         Feed the dogs.

·         Put previous clean dishes away. (If you don’t know where they go, set it aside)

·         Do any necessary dishes. (Make sure to wear an apron)

·         Wipe down the counters.

·         Start a load of laundry, dry, fold and put away.

·         Empty the trash. (bathroom and kitchen if necessary)

·         Wash and put away any toys from the night before.

·         Check the cleaning schedule for any other type of cleaning. (bathroom, dusting, vacuuming, etc.)

·         Work on any writing assignments or extra tasks given by your Mistress.

·         Ask permission to play video games.

Evening

·         Make sure everything is completed before your Mistress gets home.

·         Upon her coming home, be kneeling, holding the leash in your hands, offering it to her.

·         After being leashed, take her coat and purse then offer her crop to her.

·         She will tell you when she is ready for her drink.

·         Remove her shoes and socks and kiss her feet after she is seated no matter where she is. When she is finished you may put her things away.

·         At dinner, Mistress will eat and you will eat anything she chooses to give you in your dog bowl. (thanking her is appropriate.)

·         Clean up all the dishes and put them aside for the next morning.

·         This will be the time if your Mistress wants you to have a shower or not.

·         Mistress may wish to have her bath along with the rituals that accompany it.

·         Play time will take place before bed in whichever way your Mistress chooses.

·         You will be diapered before bed.

General Rules

·         When at home you will wear only your cuffs and a diaper, unless you need to step outside of the house or if vanilla company is over.

·         You will crawl unless you are bringing something back to your Mistress.

·         When you are leashed you will hold the leash in your mouth when it’s not in her hands.

·         You will let your Mistress know one new thing a week you would like to try and tell her on Sundays.

·         You will blog at least three times a week.

·         You will wear a leash when sleeping in bed.

·         You will ask permission to use or answer messages on your phone when your Mistress is around.

·         You will do your best to let your Mistress know what feelings and emotions you are having that you think she should know about. This can be written, spoken or blogged about.

·         You are not allowed to eat unless your Mistress says you can or is feeding you but drinking liquids is something you can do at anytime.

·         Do not expect your Mistress to fetch anything from you unless it’s in an AB setting.

·         Always get any door for her.

·         Carry her purse.

·         Wait to be seated when dining out or in a situation where you can sit in a chair.

·         You are not allowed on any furniture at home without permission.

·         Wait for permission to eat.

·         Eye restrictions when being an ashtray and playing.

·         Speech and eye restrictions when bathing your Mistress unless she asks you a question. (This includes doing her hair)

·         Speech and eye restrictions when she first gets home and you are kneeling for her while she sits at the kitchen counter and talks to her roommates. (unless we are having game time with them)

·         You will wear a tampon when Mistress is on her period.

·         Give your Mistress complete financial domination over you.

·         Allow your Mistress to have you provide pleasure for others when she sees fit

3.99 a gallon

Wow i went back and read the few posts I had made before ...its strange to see the way things evolve, how things grow. So much has happens in just a short time coming from posts where I am desperately  seeking attention from someone I felt so fondly for to actually being with that person. It is such a rare thing to experience I often seem to take this for granted. No one is perfect but I hold my owner in such high regard that she is as close as you can possibly get and because of this if she makes a mistake to me its like super man not being able to fly. It just doenst seem possible so it effects me in a great way but somehow not has great as the love I feel from her very firm and strict hand, with this I feel as if I can do anything. Under her control I feel invincible I feel pride I feel purpose I feel amazing. The tighter her grip on my life becomes the more I feel this the more I feel like the most important person in the world even though she treats me like the most insignificant. I am blessed to have some one right there to mold me into a better person. To correct me when I am wrong to make sure I never forget my place and to make sure I know my only purpose is to serve her. Its rare that people get to experience such great love through something so simple. So rather to do the typical blog thing and explain all that has happen leading up to this entry I will just say this...I am loved, I am collared, I am Hers.