wedding

Tomorrow at 3 pm it will finally be married to the love of its life or as she likes to call it "legally owned" but no matter how you say it, Her slave truly is lucky to have such an honor. Its a rare time in its life where it is so filled with emotion it is at a loss for word. it has always pictured its self being married but never imagined it would be lucky enough to marry its owner. it is even lucky enough to kneel properly during the ceremony. it finds so much comfort knowing there is someone out there for it, someone to share everything with. Mistress will even be getting fuck before and after the wedding to kind of show its new life as a cuck hubby. slave is very excited for this aswell as it has always wanted to live its life as a cuckold and it know its Mistress needs a real man in her life epically after marrying a faggot. A lifetime of serving its owner this slave couldnt be happier a life that so many dream of but only few achieve. Thank you Mistress Carrie, your slave loves you so much.

brother

Mistress is considering a new slave, it is very excited because it feels Mistress deserves as many slaves as She pleases. Clearly it cannot fulfill all of Her needs as a slave and it has accepted this but truth be told it has always wanted to kneel next to another while it serves its owners needs and desires. Someone that it can talk to about common interests and serving our owner. It would also be fun to play with to slaves this can be a way for the slaves to bond and as slaves. it thinks that a Domina looks powerful with an entourage of slaves behind her again this has always been a fantasy of its and being owned 2 other times prior to this it have never become a reality. Its just really interesting to see you owners dynamic though an outsiders perspective and to see how she molds and trains the way she molded and trained it.

its day as a hooker

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it is nothing but worthless property, it will always show its Mistress the respect She deserves.

today it was punished for throwing a fit last week it had to write 200 lines "it is nothing but worthless property, it will always show its Mistress the respect She deserves." this may not seem like much but this was 2 full lines on notebook paper and it had to write it in cuffs. Took nearly 5 hours to complete it could only write about 30- 40 lines an hour.It was great because slave did not have very much idle time and down time is not something it is a fan of. But as it stared at the words it was writing it truly felt safe and comfortable in it submission to her. It was thinking as it hand cramped that it never complains about wearing its chastity anymore it just has an over all acceptance of its place in life and now that its owner is much less lax and more mean strict demanding and observant of protocol. The slave doesnt feel it has the right to bother her with such trivial things such as chastity hurting or the fact she told it to let the dog out even though it had just gone out. It is its, place as a slave to do as it is told with out question. This is the calling of a slave and it is lucky to serve such a wonderful woman.

carnival

Mistress is getting much better at correcting its mistakes yesterday it forgot to chew its tampon clean when it changed it. So Mistress said it had to wear 3 until today so making sure it didnt forget to clean what comes out of its pussy as posted in the rules here is prof of that.

One of its rules is that it is suppose to be smooth shaven at all times it to maintain this is has to shave its entire body about every other day, this process takes about 45 mins and 2 showers. So today it though it would shave in the bathtub. it must say that shaving in the bath tub is far easier then doing so in the shower also is serves as a feminine ritual. Shaving in the tub makes it feel much more girly than in the shower, there is no water constantly hitting you as you try to shave through the lather. You have more light and more control over what is happening in the bath tub.

Today is the little carnival and sleep over it is very excited to be in baby mode for a night ..though it really doesnt know what to expect unlike most there it is usally in diapers 24/7 and it is sure that just because it will be in baby mode that will not hinder it service or its treatment though it is sure Mistress will be sweeter to it than usual it is sure it will be kept in its place.

internet

it met a man from the internet today it had a nice blackmail fantasy because for some reason it thought its Mistress didnt know it was seeing a man.This was very exciting to it and to its owner so its owner allowed it to meet the man. The man instructed it to flag him down when it saw his car between a certain time, slave eagerly looke out the window for the car and at about 12:12 pm it saw the car. it walked outside and saw a grey ford focus and began to wave. The car parked and out stepped a salt a pepper haired mustached man the slave opened the door for him and he instructed it to strip. It took its uniform off only to reveal its chastity the man told it to kneel it said "yes Sir" and did as it was instructed. He looked though the toys and got out its wrist cuffs and a ballgag. He ordered it to cuff its self, it complied then he cliped is cuffs behind its back, it was then ordered to stand a ball gag was placed in its mouth.. The man also grabbed a riding crop from the bag the slave was ordered to kneel and he bagan to ask a series of questions to it. Trying to understand why it would be seeking somone they were just yes or no questions then he said "I will be right back" The slave stayed kneeling and watched the man drive away through a crack in the blinds. A few mins later he returned with a mcdonalds cup it remained kneeling the entire time. The man seemed very paranoid which made this slave very nervous he said down the chair in front of it and took its ball gag out. Then took his shoe off and ordered it to worship his feet and these were ugly toes calised stinky feet not like its owner beautiful perfect peds. But the slave thought at least we are finally getting to some action and after a couple Mins of worshiping his feet it was ordered to stop. Then it was asked more questions....

"are allowed to work?"
"no Sir my job is a slave"

"if you are gay why are you with her?"
"Because she is my best friend she is my everything bdsm is not about sex for us it is about much more"

"what is the dogs name?"
"Basset"

and many questions about who lived her why there were no pictures on the wall where we lived before, and so on this lasted for about 20 mins before it was told to stand and bend over. Again this slave thought finally some action, he began to hit it with the crop in the balls pretty hard slave finally felt good about this. Then more questions...

"How long have you been in chastity?"
"Quite some time Sir"

"When was your last orgasam?"
"about a month ago Sir"

"I bet anything I do to you , you will get pleaseure from"
"Yes Sir"

and so on again....
Then is was told to kneel and was told to show him the bathroom, it was told to put its head in the toilet and drink after taking a few big gulps it was told to stop. Slave was thinking maybe it was going to get piss or something anything! But more questions..

"Why are you seeking somone behind your Mistress's back"
"Guess it is unfulfilled Sir"

"Have you told her that?"
"No Sir"

"Why not?"
"it doesnt  know Sir"

"I just dont get it you are very well trained do you want be owned by her?"
"Yes Sir"

"why so you can just cheat behind her back!?"
"it guesses Sir"

Then it was instructed to go back to the living room the man asked many times if it was nervous it always responded no. it was kneeling and the man pulled his pants down and it was told to lick his ass, finally it thought it was getting bored now some action. it dug its tongue deep in the hairy asshole the man let a couple farts to open his ass so its tongue could get in deep after a brief min or so it was told to stop. Then more questions....FUCK.....

"what is your name slave?"
"ashe Sir"

"what is your full name?"
"brent matthew harris"

"and who gave you the name ash?"
"its owner Sir"

"and why the name ashe?"
"becasuse it is her ashtray"

"your Mistress smokes...it doesnt smell like smoke in here does she take you outside and use you?"
"yes Sir"

"Does she paint your toe nails or do you?"
"She does Sir"

"why that color? any reason?"
"no Sir"

"does she give you a bath?"
"no Sir"

"does she brush your teeth?"
"no Sir"

"do you wear womens clothes?"
"yes Sir"

"full drag or just make up?"
"both Sir"

"When is the last time you dressed"
"about a month ago Sir"

"Why?"
"it only dresses when she allowes her slave to"

"your going to eat my shit?"
"it can try Sir"

"so your gay and you dont want to be owned by a dom?"
"no Sir"

"It just doesnt add up there is something you are not telling me why are there no pictures on your walls?"
"we just dont have any Sir"

"how long have you been eating your Mistress's shit"
"about a month Sir"

"you can eat it all?"
"Yes Sir but she doesnt go that much"

"how tall is she?"
"about 5 7"

"about as tall as you"
"yes Sir"

"when is the last time you worked?"
"a couple months Sir"

"what skills do you have?"
"it doesnt know Sir it is just ok as alot of stuff not great at anything"

"what do you do with that?" (points to xbox)
"pretty self explainitory Sir"
(slave is getting frustrated and bored at this point the man seen nervous paceing and such)

"no its not what do you do with it"
"it guesses you would play video games on it"

"Video games? what type of device is that?"
"an xbox Sir"

"An xbox !? oh i though it was a projector.. I dont know anything about video games probly never will."

The man sits down and asks, "do you watch the news slave?" No Sir the slave responds

"does anyone tell you whats going on in the world?"
"what does that matter?"

"EXCUSE ME"
"what does that matter Sir"

it is instructed to stand up and bend over it receives a very hard strike from the crop mmmmm the slave thought then after only one strike it was told to kneel....

"you are never to talk to me in that tone do you understand slave?"
"yes Sir"

"now does any one tell you whats going on in the world?"
"it knows some stuff Sir"

"did you hear about the guy who met someone off the internet and was killed?"
"what?"

this made the slave very nervous as this is the only thing he said to it in a calm tone as if his demeor changed completely. The man repeated the question  

"did you hear about the guy who met someone off the internet and was killed about a year ago?"

Before the last words were out of his mouth it had undone one of its cuffs and told that man he had to leave... it figured that it was no use to its owner dead and it was already frustrated at the waste of an afternoon it received. But there was quite an adriniline rush when it took a split second to take its cuff off preparing for the worst. Now it is sure that the man was only trying to scare it but never the less that is no way to go about it. It still didnt get what it wanted. :(

rules of play 1.2

• it will always await permission when being allowed to play/serve others.
• it will always remain in chastity when playing/serving others.
• it will serve with the utmost respect to reflect all the hard work of its Mistress.
• it will not allow itself to be heavily bound until a trust is formed between both.
• it will not receive heavy bruising/markings unless by its Mistress.
• it will always practice safe sex.
• it will write detailed journal entries of its accounts.
• it will shower before its Mistress comes home.
• it will keep its Mistress's phone number with it in case something goes wrong.
• it will try to provide an address of where it will be when playing.
• it will never give its full name. 

"it"

This slave is very happy today it feels as if things may be getting back on track with its owner. She has realized that it is truly worthless property and it should be treated as such it is not a person it is a slave it is her slave. Last night and the night before were dark times for this slave as it was unsure of its future. It is ashamed beyond any words at the way it treated its owner and the many rules that it broke for no other reason than it was trying to rebel. Words connot express how sorry it is Mistress it is not worthy of your attention it is truly lucky to have you, you are its best friend its partner for life and above all its Mistress. Things have been going to good since Mistress realized that it is an "it" reather than a person, she knows it is an object for her amusement and it will spend the rest of its life being treated like shit and serving her. Mistress is amazing for being able to put forth the effort it takes to treat her property like shit, showing her love though strict mean protocol. This slave does not deserve compassion from its owner, its owner should not worry about the feelings of her property. The only feelings that matters are those of its owner, this slave looks forward to a life time of being verbally abused and degraded by its owner. It looks forward to receiving the amazing strictness it desires, what a lucky slave it is to have such a wonderful owner, it can assure you that every other slave is very jealous of its life of extreme servitude.

..........

broke more rules today then I ever have...why? I am bored. ....

disappointing cock

I got fucked today by a random guy that I have talked to some time ago who knew I was a slave but I met him on collar me when I was in columbus and had no idea he was from this area. He walked in I was on all 4s in just my diaper which was full of shit. I was blind folded from the time he walked in from the time he left, He walked in and told me to get his cock hard with my mouth and through his pants so I knelt up and began to kiss his semi hard cock. I kiss and licked for all I was worth until his once semi hard cock was fully erect. Then he pulled it out of his pant and fed it to me a nice thick cock was in my mouth I bobbed up and down on it deep throating and worshiping his cock until he asked "you want this cock in your ass? I eagerly shook my head yes with his member in my mouth he told me to stand and bend over. Which I quickly did with my hands on the couch he pulled my diaper down and saw how shitty my diaper was and proclaimed what a dirty faggot I was. He demanded that I beg for his dick which I did and must have done very well because shortly after I felt his hard unlubed cock ram up my ass. At this point I was very thankful for the anal train I endure for my Mistress otherwise it would have hurt. While he fucked my pussy I began to think of Mistress fucking me with her cock and started to moan in excitement when suddenly as fast as it started I felt him shake and grab my hips and thrust. He pulled out, I pulled my diaper up and got back to my natural position of kneeling. Then he told me to clean all the shit off of him which I did and I think I got it all I made sure to pay extra attention to his semi hard cock sucking the shit and cum mixture from it. Then he pulled his pants up and said "see ya" and made his exit. This event was very hot up until he came in under 5 mins I am used to Mistress fucking me for no less than 15 -20 mins at a time so I am very ready to take a hard cock and feel fulfilled from it. I swear I have a love hate relationship with men. I at least wanted a good fuck to go with my humiliation but in any case my Mistress was very kind to allow me to have his cock.

She has also informed me that I will be cuckolded as I can tell she is in need of a real man in her life. I am very excited because she deserves good sex and I want nothing more than her happiness. I can only hope I will get to be there in some way when she has her way with her man but I am not lucky enough to kneel beside the bed, fluff her man , kiss her feet as the fuck or what every my Mistress wants of me during this time, I hope to at least receive a cum filled treat when my owner comes home and tell me the details as I feed on a real mans cum.

Rules 2.2

•  you will greet me properly in a kneeling position
•  Take my purse and jacket
•  Take off my shoes and socks, worship my feet
•  Offer me your cuffs to put on you
• Offer me your leash
• Always make me a drink 
• anything served you will not look at me

• you will assist Me with cooking dinner if I request your help
• When I tell you that I want a bath, you will make sure my bed clothes are laid out, get a towel and start my bath water
• My clothes shall be laid out the night before
• My cell phone shall be plugged in the charger every night
• If I request my cock, you will bring everything that goes along with it
• If I tell you diaper, you will bring everything that goes along with it

• your blog times will be increased to four times per week
• you will fold up the bedding each morning and make sure toys and other items are put away
• you will empty the garbage cans
• you will be in charge of the laundry (ours and towels)
• you will always make sure the dishes are done
• you will always take basset out especially when I tell you to
• you will keep your body shaven at all times
• you will remain on food restrictions and eat what is given to you
• you will serve me my food first and watch me eat before requesting your own
• you will only be allowed to drink what I approve of (This can change at my whim)
• you will always keep your pussy filled unless it is healing
• you will always clean toys with your mouth first before washing them
• your clit will remain in chastity unless it is healing
• you will always ask permission to be excused when in my presence and give the reason why

• your hands will be behind your back when fetching things if Rachel is here
• When Rachel is not here you will continue to crawl when fetching or excusing yourself
• you will be allowed only the articles of clothing to wear that have been purchsed for you 
• When you are leashed you will always hold it in your mouth if I am not holding it
• you will wear a leash when sleeping in bed
• you will ask to use your laptop in my presence
• Always get any door for me
• Carry my purse when out in public
• You will always carry a hair tie and lighter on your person. 
• you are not allowed on any furniture at home without permission
• Eye restrictions when kneeling 
• you wil wear a tampon when I am on my period
• you will always give financial control over to me
• you will provide pleasure to others when I see fit
• you will always ask permission to play video games. 

I truly believe a slave should not be allowed to cum it changes them it makes them not their selves. When a man cums that is usally when a session ends and the same goes for a slave they loose track of what is really important in their lives..serving. I do not like to cum because I do not like the way it makes me think or act, I dislike the person I become when I think with my penis like a normal man. It was said upfront when I served Miss Carrie that sex was not on my priority list and chastity was and that I was to be her cuckold. The idea behind this was that if she wanted sex she would seek it out with other people so that I may be humbled and given another outlet to show my devotion. However this was never the case she is worried about STDs and wants to be safe but doesnt want to use condoms so its quite a pickle. So there is nothing I really can do about that but, I know its not what she wants and I have to accept that but as of late I am not sure what anyone wants anymore its just a very stressful situation and I am finally breaking down and comeing back to reality.

Smoking

Smoking is a very important fetish in our lives when Mistress reaches for a cigarette I quickly follow to light it. Then humbly hang my head an await her ashes and finally she tells me to present and she puts the cigarette out on my tongue and I hold the cigarette butt in my mouth. Protecting it from the dangers of my mouth by resting it on my tongue like a child hiding from monsters under the bed. When Mistress is relaxing at home with a smoke we both become very different people she becomes very mean and assertive I become very docile. This is a bond we share that is unlike any I have ever seen it truly shows how natural my submission to her is. Since Mistress Carrie can no longer smoke in the house due to out living situation people in the house are allergic she hasnt been smoking as much. But last night for the first time in nearly a month Mistress was able to smoke in the house. As soon as I crawled to her with her Marlboro Menthol light 100s in my mouth she snatched them and when I lit her cigarette we both could feel this blanket of comfort and relief. Mistress Carrie said when she put the cigarette out in her ashtray she went numb and limp as if she was in subspace. This is a testament to how powerful this bond is, and how special it is to us. I love everything about this fetish I love the way Mistress acts when she smokes, I love when she throw the pack at me when she wants one. I love letting the butts pile up in my mouth and having to swallow or spit out a nasty film of wet ashes. I love having to perform my daily duties with my mouth full. I love the way her cigarette looks in her hand and wrapped around her lips. I love watching ther smoke exhale toward my low hung head. I love not having the honor to watch her as she smoke and being lucky enough to catch a glimpse of her cigarette clad hand every now and then. Mistress is wearing make up alot more then she used to, she says it makes her feel more dominate and I love that ! She looks amazing in her bright red lipstick and eye shadow, simple things like make up really can make. Someone feel different and I think she should do what ever it takes to continue the amazing hold she has on me. When she has the lipstick on it leaves these wonderful lipstick stains on her cigarette butts that are like a special little treat for me. Strange how things like make up and smoking can really bring out the Domina in my Mistress. She once said something like "strand how a few cigarette butts can bring out the peice of shit faggot that you are" I guess this works both ways <3.

Dr. Jerk

I always have so much to write about in the back of my mind but when I go to write I feel like I waited to long and have forgotten all the things that were on my mind. This is the only outlet I has because as a slave I have trouble expressing myself to my owner verbally so I am lucky enough to have this journal. Mistress is getting a cat scan today to see if there is anything seriously wrong with her and to be honest it scares me to death. I do not trust doctors and I feel like they do unnecessary things just to scare you into spending money. I pushed this to the back of my mind until the very last second when she was leaving and I was kneeling hugging her leg realizing that she is going to the hospital to get the same thing they use to scan for cancer and other serious things. I hope there is nothing wrong with her, I dont know how I would live with out her. I dont want anything to be wrong with her but if anything ever was she is my best friend and I will take care of her always. Mistress Carrie has alot of strength and in her mind nothing is wrong and these doctors are just wasting her time and I admire that but it still scares me just the thought of hospitals, I hate it. Thinking of them putting the one thing I care about more than any thing in some machine. to check for some mystery problem. I feel like they just make stuff up as they go along. They cant function with out your money so they will run you around doing all sorts of stuff just to do it when in fact nothing is wrong at all. At least I truly hope this is the case because I worship and adore my Mistress she is the most important thing to me and will always be.

929-007-811

all I am is a number I wouldn't have it another way. Makes me feel like a prisoner in the service of my owner Mistress Carrie. <3 We got this number for a slave tattoo project we will be doing.

little tykes

My love for my Mistress is borderline obsessive, I think about her all of the time. Every action I made I think how it will effect her. Everything she does I notice, I pick everything apart and analyze it and it makes me love her that much more.That pink bear is Miss Carries bear it represents her slave we share the same key lock marking. Since I told her what the bear represents she will not let it go, I love seeing her hold her to her ashe bear. Its like I can feel her love even through the bear. Mistress and I are both littles even when she is little I still will always know my place as her slave after all she is older :) Its really fun to play and see that soft side of her I adore watching her with her paci and sippy cup while she caresses my diapered bottom and we both cuddle our bears.
We have been taking more photos lately with I love for some reason I am not very photogenic in fact normally I hate photos being taken of me. But I cant take enough with I am with my Mistress its like I feel like the photos will reflect my true self and I can look back at it and be proud of who I am. When I look at a normal photo of me I look awkward and unhappy but when I look at photos of  me that my owner takes I look comfortable and at peace.

satisfaction

I have been trying so very hard to serve Mistress Carrie with such passion, showing her what a dedicated slave I can be. No matter what the situation maybe I carry on with my submission. I want to show her that I play on serving her forever and that nothing will stop my desire to be her slave. We finally got to play a bit this weekend ...it was much needed I loved to feel her burn my flesh as she branded me what I am, a faggot. I loved being her puppy barking, eating bones and playing fetch. I loved when she caned me until I could take no more welting my body so much I could feel the skin raise. But most of all I loved casually watching her rip cloths pins of my useless balls with a wicked grin as she told me she wanted to cute them off because they served no purpose. Also we got to fuck for the first time in a long time and Mistress's new big black cock slipped in with ease I lay there in exactly while she pounded my sissy pussy. Miss Carrie slept with her cock on and the next morning I got the pleasure of being fucked again by my owner!All of these little things makes remaining fully subservient through thick and thin completely worth it.
I find that if I refer to Mistress properly such as "Mistress Carrie" or "Miss Carrie" it tends to command more respect and helps me stay in my place. I just like that way it comes off my tounge for some reason. I was thinking that my owner never gets tired of hearing me respect her she never gets tired of hearing her tittle come off my lips. I think I say Mistress or miss at least 100 times a day and she never seems to get tired of it. She is usually on her game and understands and accepts her role very well, Mistress always refers to me as my slave name and make sure I know how far beneath her I am.
I get such a sense of satisfaction hearing Mistress tell me she is proud of me or pleased or impressed with my performance as her slave. Because I know I will never be good enough for her but I will still try very hard for her. When she tell me these things it just makes me want to push harder to please and amuse her to show her what a good well trained slave I am. My hopes are the I will try so hard every single day that these will no longer become just roles it will become nature. Mistress treating me like the shit that I am while I remain a devoted served for the rest of my life.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just feel like writeing because something sparks me through the day and this is my only outlet. I am one of those people who can do anything I put my mind to. Since I was very young the one constant in my life was that I wanted to serve a dominate. I am also one of the lucky few to realize this early enough to devote alot of my time seeking it. Alot of time experiencing different things and developing a taste for things for things I enjoy and for those I do not care for. Also time was spent doing the best thing of all, being comfortable with who I am and my place in life. Despite people telling me things I enjoyed was bizarre or different no one ever told me what I was seeking was wrong. Not even my parents ever said it was wrong for me to desire the firm hand of a dom female. I have spent to many years feeling out of place when people talk about things that are strange while I think to my self the guy sitting next to you has been locked in a toilet chair and shit on many times and more than one of the boys in this room have responded to my transsexual craigslist ad not realize it was me on a lonely night  trolling for cock.
Up until when Mistress Carrie collard me, collars didnt have the same meaning. I knew that it was a symbol of my devotion and I always wore my collar proudly. However it never felt earned it just felt like I wore it because I wanted to and they could care less as they didnt understand its meaning either. The collar I wear around my neck now is so important and means so much though it may have come fast it is so important to me and I desired her collar so bad. When she put it around my neck I cried with joy because I knew it would be the last time in my entire life I saw my body with out it on. So i wonder how many people take such a thing lightly, do they not understand the meaning. To me my collar means I have been chosen to devote my life serving my owner being with her through thick and thin, always trusting her to take care of me and I of her. It means that I will take pride in following the rules she has set for me and knowing that my service makes her happy, knowing that my suffering brings a smile to her face because I do it for her. I means that I show with pride that I am owned property even to those who do not understand the concept. It means that though my life I will be what she wants me to be no matter what that may be it means she truly owns me.
BDSM collar leashes all these things have always been trendy in the goth and punk communities in fact I can credit punk rock for allowing me to come out of my shell as a submissive though the thoughts have been hidden away my entire life. When in the punk scene I felt very comfortable acting on this instinct , I fond that I had such a passion for it. That it was on my mind all of the time, yet at this age and at this development as a slave I see people trending into the lifestyle and I feel as if I am an elitist because I have far transcended the time of fetishes being a sexual thrill and embraced them as a part of my everyday life and I am with the only women I have ever met who can do the same.

I am shit

I am craving being treated like shit, nothing makes me more happy it is what I alway have deserved it is what I crave. I hope my Mistress can comply, even though we tried yesterday something just felt off weather it be the ever present friend or the fact Miss Carrie was tired from days of lack of sleep. What ever it was it just didnt feel right for either of us I took several stokes of her cane all over my body pretending as if I didnt know what number I was suppose to count just so she could hit me harder and harder until she wanted to stop not the other way around. She was calling me names and truly making me feel my place at her feet but when it was done and I was kneeling before her adoring her perfect feet it still just didnt feel right. So again I try today to serve her will all of my being and treat her as she deserves and I will try every day until I can try no more because that is what my owner deserves....true devotion.

Back in Chastity

Things are still hard for me I am so bored I have to invent ways to amuse myself. Not much has changed so really not much to type here. I got let out of chastity on sunday and have cum 5 times since, something I am very ashamed of but I just have no way to control it, just get bored and play with my clit. Its a shame because I pride myself on being the best slave for my owner but we are just not ment to live a vanilla life and being forced into one is very hard. Though we sneak some things in every now in that like yesterday my ashtray was filled with 8 cigarette butts maybe the most Miss Carrie has ever put out in me. But shortly after is i back to reality as we cannot do these things in our current living situation. Nor can we really continue my training I hate to let her down but I have trouble staying strong, she is much stronger than me which is one of the many reasons I worship her so much.

Normal aint so normal

Its strange that I feel so right sitting in and useing a diaper then anything else, it just feels normal to my sick twisted mind. It is who I am and anything outside of that feels very weird an wrong, so much of my service to Mistress is just being myself. Take that away and I have no idea how to live, vanilla life seems very bizarre most of the day yesterday I felt awkward Mistress was very upset that we can spend time doing the things that bond us and allow us to live our relationship in a way that feels right for us, due to our current living situation these things are very hard. When my diaper went on and both Miss Carrie and I were in little mode we watched cartoons and we just had playful child banter it made me feel so comfortable. I adore moments like this and currently I cherish any moments of our normal life I can steal.

This saturday was a much needed break for us as I feel like one of those people who "live the lifestyle when they can" we hadnt played for a week and at the play party Mistress made sure I knew my place I spent hours worshipping both her boots and the boots and feet of where ever my head was directed. With a very full ashtray I did my best to please everyone while I was beaten and humiliated I was so spaced out that I dont even remember most of it. Think of it like not cumming after a long time and thats the feeling I had, wich in some ways is great but mostly sucks because I am a slave and I need to be able to live as one, the same way Miss Carrie is a Mistress and needs to live as one or things just do not feel right.

Knowing that I am sitting here in my diaper and cuddleing my bear and blanket sucking my paci, as I type this, know is a few short hours I have to get rid of this side of me is so hard to bare. I do not know how people can do it. How do you just turn it on and off like that and why would you want to, people should be educated about things like this and about different lifestyles in general. So its ok for kids to see their parents do drugs, drink, curse, lie, cheat and steal in front of them? But heaven forbid that they see a devoted man truly test his love for the woman he worships and adore in the most primal mode possible. Its wrong just because they dont understand. Someones child complemented me on my collar not realizing what it represented and when I told them they said "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"
This greatly offended me because my collar is very important to me and there is nothing nasty or gross that goes on with it. When I tried to explain this to her she had no intentions of listening, vanilla people have such double standards. I cant serve my Mistress who owns me trains me loves me. But people we live with can webcam with their part time play partner right in front of their child!? Things like this never will make sense to me how is this ok ? But its not ok for my owner to correct my behavior? We used to jsut live this life so casually it came so natural Mistress would relax with a cigarette while I waited for her to fill my ashtray ..these things were once everyday life now they are few and far between. I miss you Mistress Carrie.

I heart dog cock

I had been so impressed with my self last night that I was able to take such a hugh black cock my my sissy pussy that I was that much more determined to continue my anal training today. I started my routine by lubeing up and putting in the second largest anal dilator per the usual. slid my sore cunt on it it was painful because I had such a well used cunt. But something just didnt feel right it felt to small so I put the larger one in as it entered my hole it was met with some resistance and a small amount of pain but nothing to major. After a few strokes it slid in with ease and it just felt so right. After a couple hours I decided it was time to fuck it for a bit and I wanted the dog cock toy so bad because I am Mistress Carries dog whore. The flat tip of the dog cock was a bit awkward at first but with in a couple seconds it slid in with ease. then over the soft knot then then entire long dog cock was in my pussy. It felt amazing I fucked my pussy with the cock for about 15 mins in and out slow and fast. Then I pulled it out and cleaned the shit off it like a good faggot. At this time I decided it was time to take the knot so I shoved the dog cock back in my pussy and pumped the knot until I couldnt take it any more I got 22 pumps before my insides were aching. After a few mins I let the air out and also let out a sigh of relief. That how ever was short lived as I pumped it 17 times and fucked my self like that for another 10 mins or so until I pulled the fully pumped knot all the way out and shoved it all the way back in. The entire time I was thinking about my Mistress and wishing it was a real dog cock in me. This is a fetish I have adopted from my Mistress and I adore it just as much as she does. Last night she masturbated while she jacked off our basset hound and we talked about the first thing I eat out of my new dog bowl being her shit. It was amazing she is so sexy when she plays with dog it makes me very excited. The thought of adoring her mess truly excites me aswell I cant wait, it is very hard to eat shit. I can never eat more than a small amount with out getitng sick but I am going to show my Mistress how devoted I am and eat her entire meal with out a problem every drop over her load will be consumed.

I have been thinking alot lately that I am often disrespectful to my owner and I never seem to get any sort of correction. It is getting so bad that I have been doing it in front of people with out even thinking, this is not the sort of slave I want to be. I disobey rules and often am a generally bad slave and receive not sort of punishment. I do not want to get in the habbit of doing this I want to constantly impress people with how well trained I am. But sometimes I feel that I am not being trained well I dont want this to continue I desire strict correction and punishment. Not even the smallest offence should go with out swift correction this is one of the important things that mold a good slave and build respect for its owner.

She does so much

Today my day started as I awoke i got in the shower, then I put our second biggest anal dilator in my sissy pussy, after that was in for about an hour I decided I wanted a challenge. So I got the biggest one we had and slid it in my cunt with little to no effort. As I licked the shit off of the other one I thought of how proud my owner would be of me and how I knew she want my pussy stretched so that she could have her way with it. I sit here in a hotel room lobby still with the huge toy filling my ass. Mistress is six floors away showing just what an amazing Domina she is. I always felt that nothing builds self confidence like someone paying to be in your presence, such a power feeling it must be to count someones money while the shiver with excitement for what they are about to receive. I truly believe that I have the best Mistress possible no one I have ever met even compares and it makes me beyond happy that others will get to experience that aswell. I always thought that a Domme deserves all the attention she can handle, it is important for a Domina to have a big head so to speak. It gives them a swagger that makes us as submissives melt, it makes us putty in their hands. Rightfully so they deserved to be worshiped and none more than my perfect owner. Mistress always surprises me she is one of those rare people that can do anything she puts her mind to and is the only person that has as much passion for this lifestyle as I do. Up in a hotel room with a quite attractive young boy, full of confidence, knowing she is in charge, knowing how superior she is to him and to every one that is what truly makes a Goddess. I spend so much of my time wondering how I got so lucky to have the opportunity to spend my entire life serving her. I still connot figure it out, she could have anyone she wanted. Her pick of any one many of which I am sure are better than me, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it because its something I just cannot explain. Generally I am not a very lucky person nor the best looking not the best behaved and certainly not the wealthiest. I came into this relationship and Mistress changed alot for me, she changed the brand of cigarettes she smoked, she made sure I stayed in diapers, she supports me financially, she uses me as an ashtray, she treats me like shit. These are all things she did not think she would be able to do and yet she does all of this flawlessly. I mean just as I type this my mouth is full of her marlboro menthol light 100s cigarette butts and since moving I havent been able to be an ashtray often so I feel like I have to savor them I feel like i never want them to come out of my mouth I love the feeling of running my tongue across her dis guarded  trash. Holding them between my teeth making sure to protect them from the dangers of my mouth so they stay fully intact so I can adore them properly. Thinking of all that Mistress does for me I feel as if I let my fear and nerves get in the the way of things my owner wants to do. She has adopted so many of the things I like and all i truly care about is making me happy. Mistress Carrie I would just like to say I dont care about my fears anymore I want to open myself up to do anything you want to do to me. I have let my mind get in the way of true submission for so long but I am at my happiest then you have that wicked laugh and smile as you are torchering your property. I am yours and I love to show my devotion in way I can I hope that I can surprise you and make you as proud and as happy to own me as I am proud and happy to be owned by you.